Yyyyyy x. yyyyyy	"LOOK AT ME NOW: A MESSAGE OF HOPE"
We recommend that you invest time thinking about the next three questions and give detailed responses. The more you tell your reviewer about your purpose, focus, and needs C the more they can help you.
Purpose C    What do you want audience to Think, Feel, and Do?	Change comes from within/ Nothing is impossible---regardless of what "experts" say to the contrary
Focus C    What is your personal goal for improvement as a speaker?	You critiqued this 2-3 times in 2006 when it was a contest speech..It started off good..and then, when I lost at Division I learned after some time and reflection that I had gotten to fake w/ it..too insincere..too over the top.. In the time that followed, however, this story was well-remembered and I was contacted and ask for perform it at various functions..and I still continue to do so.. 2 years later, people still come to me and say "hey, I heard you tell that inspiring story back in  '06"---  It really had an impact on many people and I believe I have improved its effectiveness so much now by maintaining a much more conversational tone ---by keeping it straight I know how to "get to" the audience now w/ this speech because I've done it for so many audiences .It's amazing some of the simple things I've learned.. For example, in 2006 I was boastfully shouting "LOOK AT ME NOW"---and it turned off the judges, I believe In this video, shot at an event called "CELEBRATION OF HOPE" just a few weeks ago, the way I say it has evolved so much that the same words now have a much greater impact..and even inspire the audience to applaud when it is said.. But I want to get BETTER at it.. I want to be even MORE inspirational..Just when I thought this speech was "done" I'm beginning to see weaknesses.. I believe the closing paragraph can be completely rewritten.. getting rid of the "William shedd" ships in harbor stuff and bringing in more relevant stuff like Sun Tzu's "He who overcomes others has force, he who overcomes others is strong" and transforming the speech a bit more w/ OVERCOMING OURSELVES as the REAL message/call to action i.e. "What's your impossible problem and *WHO* is really holding you back?" After 2 years, I'm feeling THAT's really the call to action The close would be something more like "Until you can stand in front of any person, any audience, any MIRROR and say .. LOOK at ME NOW " w/ this in mind, what do YOU see in this dec 07 video at: http://www.andrewgreenstein.com/amccormack/hope.wmv that can improve? It is my ultimate intention to make it to the TM world finals and to use some version of THIS speech there. This is my story and the one I need to tell a selfish reason, perhaps but the story definitely has inspired thousands already whether they stuttered or not---and w/ some improvement, I believe it will inspire more
Presentation date		Continually but hopefully at least one will be in august in Calgary, Alberta		Allow 14 days to get your e-mail feedback
Speech length		This version is about 9 min I ad libbed some parts I can trim down but mostly because I like to take my time a bit when there is no 5-7 min limit ;  )		eCritique covers up to 10 minutes. Contact us if you have a longer presentation
Check here only if			This is an excerpt from a longer speech		English isn t my primary language
Event - type of meeting		I get asked to do this for all diff. events The video you're watching was for about 150 people doctors of and patients w/ HIV attending a "celebration of hope" event during which I was asked to be an emcee for a few hours, introduce people, read essays that patients submitted for a contest, and C in the middle tell my "story" look at me now I do not personally have HIV but the event planners had heard my 18 months before at Toastmasters and thought it would be relevant/inspirational to the patients and, it was!
Audience profile - who will hear you?		TMers approx. 80-120 in an auditorium setting w/ 5-7 other speakers.. several very polished ones who will be doing the usual, over the top motivational bit
Agenda -                what will audience hear?		A speech that not only "does all of the right things" but that can stick out against other "flawless" speeches --- as the clear winner due to its strength, heart, and uniqueness

 

 

ANDREW,

 

IT IS YOUR STORY CLOVE THAT! IT IS GOOD AND STRONG! POWERFUL FOR SURE

GREAT JOB, JUST HATE THE CLOSE . NEED A LITTLE CLARITY, HOW THEY CAN

YOUR ENERGY WAS AWESOME, GREAT POWER AT THE END, JUST DON T LIKE THE WORDS AND THE OTHER EXPANSION OF THE QUOTE,  I EXPLAIN AT THE END

 

I GAVE YOU A SUGGESTED ENDING THOUGH IF YOU LIKE, WANT YOU TO ANDREWIZE IT

ALSO ASK YOURSELF, WHAT ARE THE SAYINGS THAT HAUNT PEOPLE IN THE AUSEINCE? MEANING WHAT IS THE DIALOGUE THAT PEOPLE HERE .

 

MIGHT ASK THEM, HAS ANYONE EVER SAID TO YOU (MIGHT MAKE BETTER ONES :

- THAT IS NOT FOR YOU

-YOU ARE JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THAT

OR WORST .

HA HA HA HA YOU?

MIGHT BE GOOD TO INCLUDE .

IMPORTANT: JUST BEFORE THE ENDING, REMIND THEM OF THEIR DREAM OR OBSTACLE, BEFORE YOU CLOSE .

 

 

AS USUSUAL C MY THOUGHTS IN ALL CAPS:

MESSAGE:

Change comes from within/ Nothing is impossible---regardless of what "experts" say to the contrary

WHICH IS IT? CHANGE? OR NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE? ESPECIALLY IF THIS .IS A PIECE OF A BIGGER SPEECH, THIS ONE SECTION SHOULD HAVE ONE CLEAR POINT/MESSAGE

ONE!

I believe the closing paragraph can be completely rewritten.. getting rid of the "William shedd" ships in harbor stuff and bringing in more relevant stuff like Sun Tzu's "He who overcomes others has force, he who overcomes others is strong" and transforming the speech a bit more w/ OVERCOMING OURSELVES as the REAL message/call to action i.e. "What's your impossible problem and *WHO* is really holding you back?" After 2 years, I'm feeling THAT's really the call to action The close would be something more like "Until you can stand in front of any person, any audience, any MIRROR and say .. LOOK at ME NOW "

YOU CAN T HAVE A CALL TO ACTION ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE

"What's your impossible problem and *WHO* is really holding you back?"  YES C THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION!

YOU SAID:

Agenda -                what will audience hear?

A speech that not only "does all of the right things" but that can stick out against other "flawless" speeches --- as the clear winner due to its strength, heart, and uniqueness

 

WHY WOULD YOU WANT A FLAWLESS SPEECH? YOU VE GOT A WRONG GOAL! YOU WANT A REAL SPEECH. YOU WANT A STORY THAT THEY REMEMBER FOR YEARS TO COME WHEN THEY NEED HOPE. THEY MUST RELATE TO YOU, NOT BE AMAZED BY YOU. THEY WANT REAL, HUMBLE, SINCERE, IMPERFECT AND CONFIDENT .

 

        Can you think of a problem in your life you believe is impossible to overcome? April 8th, 2003..my first daughter was born...and I didn't know it yet...but her life would give me the courage to overcome....the  impossible. It was supposed to be the best day of my life...My beautiful wife was nursing our baby for the very first time and I asked "How can I help?"..."You can go tell the nurse I need a breast pump kit!"

I wanted to tell her "no" and I think I had a good excuse: All my life -- I had a severe stuttering problem......and only one thing ever saved me from humiliation:    Silence...    

        But I'd read the book "How to Live Happily Ever After for Dummies" and it says "Don't deny your wife any favor on the day she gives birth. " So I went down to the nurse's station...and Nurse Cindy asked: "Hi, What can I do for ya, son?" "Nurse, uhm, I just want a breast ppppppp.... Look, would you please just give me a breast...ppppppppppp....."   Ladies, gentlemen.....and anyone else who has ever been escorted out of a hospital by security guards...I should've just written the question down.. or pretended to have laryngitis..((COULD CONSIDER HER REACTION TO YOUR EFFORTS LET THE AUDIENCE, KNOW .COULD INCREASE CONFLICT (WHICH MAKES FOR A BETTER STORY), OR WHAT IF SHE LOOKS AT YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOU? --- ALSO, WHAT ABOUT INTERNAL DIALOGUE? HOW CAN YOU SAY THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES IN DIALOGUE?)  I used to do anything to avoid talking.. But LOOK AT ME NOW...... yet just 2 years ago, my public speaking dream would've been to walk into McDonald's and be able to say 'cheeseburger.' Instead, I'd always end up with a "FISH sandwich".. ..because that was the only thing on the menu I could say...

        Speech pathologists, textbooks....and even the national institute of health said I would never overcome stuttering.. but LOOK AT ME NOW! My change began June 12th, 2004.....I was checking into a Disney hotel with my baby girl and I thought I could stay silent by slipping the clerk a printout of my reservation ..but the happiest place on Earth..became my scariest... when she asked me THIS unexpected question: "Aww, What's your adorable baby's name?".......I knew I wouldn't even be able to say my own daughter's name............Then, I remembered something Martin Luther King once said:  "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.."--and what could matter more than my baby girl?  "Her name is B-- B-- B-- B--"... 5-7 minutes is not enough time to show you-- how I struggled to say: Baiden-Melody....

(((MIGHT CHECK IN WITH AUDIENCE HERE: HAVE YOU EVER HATED YOURSELF? ((BIG PAUSE)) I SURE DID .)))

 

I HATED myself ....I wanted to just go home... I wanted to give up and learn sign language.. I wanted to change my daughter's name to something I could say like.... "Fish Sandwich With Large Fries" ((SUGGESTION: WHICH WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS TOUGH WHEN SHE GOT TO HIGHSCHOOL))....but, instead....I decided to change............*.......me.....

        So I worked 12 hours a day...reconditioning my speech to reduce tension on my vocal cords...Last year, I spoke freely....to friends and family ......for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! I gained confidence..I gained self-respect.. I gained about six pounds eating Mcdonald's cheeseburgers ! (VERY FUNNY!

# 1) MIGHT NOT NEED THE 3^RD I AGAINED C MIGHT WORK AS AND 6 POUNDS

# 2) EXACT NUMBERS ARE FUNNIER THAN ROUND NUMBERS, TRY SEVEN AND A HALF POUNDS, OR 6.2 POUNDS

        2 years ago, I couldn't even say [substitute w/ any relevant word:] Toastmasters...BUT LOOK AT ME NOW!.. I've delivered more than 30 speeches....I've said my daughter's name to complete strangers....I've even got a closet filled with breast pump kits that I went to Walgreen's and asked for myself!* ((SUGGESTION: BUT THIS REALLY ISN T ABOUT MY STORY, THIS SPEECH IS ABOUT YOUR STORY )

        Let's look at YOU now.. Is your life's greatest problem really* impossible to change? Remember: I was told BY VERY CREDIBLE SOURCES mine was too.  But I went from th-th-th--th-that to THIS -- and you can go from whereever you are to whereever you wanna be..William Shedd said "Ships in Harbor Are Safe....But That's Not Why Ships Are Built." We were not built to just accept our problems and do nothing...The lesson is courage, the message is hope, the mission is to challenge you to figure out what it's gonna take to sail from your harbors... past your self-imposed horizons until you reach the point in your life where you'll be able to stand up and say: LOOK.... AT.... ME..... NOW.... 

I DON T MIND THE QUOTE, BUT ALL THAT FOLLOWS IT IS BLAH, BLAH, BLAH NORMAL SPEAKER B.S.

YOU , ANDREW, ARE BETTER THAN THAT STOP QUOTING OTHERS, AND START BEING SO GOOD, OTHERS QUOTE YOU!

NEVER MORE THAN 1 QUOTE IN 10 MINUTES, AND IT SHOULD BE ONE THAT HAD EFFECTED YOUR THINKING LIKE YOU SAY THE FIRST ONE DID.

HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE .:

SO THEY NEXT TIME YOU HEAR OTHER PEOPLE TELLING YOU YOU CAN T I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER MY STORY THEY TOLD ME I COULDN T. I M NOT SPECIAL, I JUST KEPT MOVING FORWARD WHEN OTHERS TOLD ME TO STOP. I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THE GUY WITH THE BREAST PUMP, THE GUY HO WORKED 12 HOURS A DAY, THE GUY WHO WAS TOLD HE COULD NOT ..I DID. I M CREDIBLE TOO, I TELL YOU CAN. BUT THE ONLY WAY THIS SPEECH IS SUCCESSFUL IS IF YOU KEEP MOVING FOREWARD, AND AS YOU PROGRESS, YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY LOOK AT ME NOW.